My Heart Will Go On

I want to thank everyone who commented on my last blog and enjoyed reading it. This blog is a little different because I want to focus on an issue that is really close to my heart.

For as long as I have been dating, I always have had an issue with the beginning of the relationship. I don't really have that sixth sense about how to pace things in a relationship. I tend to want to jump right in and get things started. This usually ends very badly for me because by jumping right in...I mean having sex right away. I guess I have always thought that that is what guys want, so I give it to them. It makes everyone happy at the time. Then the aftermath is what is hard to deal with.

As mentioned in my last blog, I have been working on the dating portion of my life. I made a promise to God that I would not date for 40 days to really concentrate on why it is impossible for me to let myself get close to someone emotionally, yet I can have sex on the first date. I am on my last day of this journey. I have examined my heart and realized that I was substituting sex for love. I feel that for some reason that I am undeserving of love. This is something I will have to continue to work on throughout my life until I find someone who can break through this wall that I have around my heart.

This whole thing started with two very different boys. The first boy, The Bad Boy, is the one that I gave my virginity to. The second one, The First Love, is simply that, my first love and also the one that makes me feel so undeserving.

It started in eighth grade, I looked up from playing my clarinet at the football game to see the boy that my friend pointed out to me. He was her boyfriend's younger brother. I looked at him and knew he would be something special to me. I felll in love right there. I was only 13, but I could just feel this rush in my heart. It took about a year before The First Love and I actually got together. We had a rough start. We dated for a few months, but then his friends didn't really like me and he said that I tried to hard, so we broke up.

After The First Love and I broke up I was a mess. I started hanging out with one friend quite a bit and doing pretty much everything I could to get away from the sadness in my heart. I thought I found a cure to that when I began hanging around The Bad Boy. He made my head race. I was consumed with something, but it wasn't love. I was young and believed him when he told me he loved me. The First Love had had a hard time admitting to me how he felt, so it felt good when The Bad Boy actually confessed it even if it was a lie just to get me to sleep with him. I didn't see this coming, but we ended up having sex (my first time). I wasn't even in love, but I thought I had to do it.

Later that year in the summer The First Love and I started going on fourwheeler rides all the time, we had found our way back to each other, but our summer slowly faded away and my mother moved us out-of-state. Over the years we have talked a little while, but we never got back together. I think he never could get past that I had lost my virginity to someone else. My heart just wouldn't let him go. Finally about a year and a half ago, I realized we would never be.

My heart has been healing, but I think I am headed on the right path. This blog was way more serious than most of them will be, but I wanted to let everyone know where my heart is at right now. I need your feedback and positive comments!