The words to the song by the All American Rejects, "I'll keep you my dirty little secret...Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret...My dirty little secret," are something I have come across in my dating life. There are some girls who don't fall for this game, but some that want to experience love so bad that they hold on to anything they can get.
I figured out why some guys pursue this tactic while watching an episode of Sex and the City. A guy does this to a girl who has certain qualities he looks for in a girlfriend, but who doesn't live up to all of them. He can experience these good qualities in secret, so he will not be ashamed of the bad qualities in public around other people.
I had an experience similar to this with the Quality Control Guy. I am referring to him as this because he worked in quality control at Tyson and clearly he has control issues concerning quality. The Quality Control Guy would tell me how beautiful I was all the time with the "if only you would lose weight" right behind it. I don't know why I was so desparate at the time that I would put up with this, but I did. He would ignore me at work then call me after work and tell me to come over to his house. I would go over there and we would have amazing sex. The part that came after the sex always made me feel rejected though. Immediately following sex, he would pull away and go get in the shower. I literally felt like his "dirty little secret."
Then every once in awhile he would do things that would make me stay. He even went as far as introducing me to his daughters and eating dinner at a restaurant with my family. Then a few days later he would revert back to keeping me a secret. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. I even lost 20 pounds while we were dating. I have now come to realize that no matter what I did nothing would have made him happy. I simply wasn't who he wanted no matter how hard he tried to make me fit in his life or I in his. The last straw was when people at work started finding out about us and he told them that I was just his babysitter. Hence the only reason I got to meet his daughters was so that I would look like a fool because no one believed my side of the story.
Hopefully if anyone of you are in a situation similar to this you will realize that there is nothing you can do. You are great just the way you are! I believe there is someone out there for everyone and I simply just wasn't meant for this guy. No one should have to change themselves to be something to someone else.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
My Heart Will Go On
I want to thank everyone who commented on my last blog and enjoyed reading it. This blog is a little different because I want to focus on an issue that is really close to my heart.
For as long as I have been dating, I always have had an issue with the beginning of the relationship. I don't really have that sixth sense about how to pace things in a relationship. I tend to want to jump right in and get things started. This usually ends very badly for me because by jumping right in...I mean having sex right away. I guess I have always thought that that is what guys want, so I give it to them. It makes everyone happy at the time. Then the aftermath is what is hard to deal with.
As mentioned in my last blog, I have been working on the dating portion of my life. I made a promise to God that I would not date for 40 days to really concentrate on why it is impossible for me to let myself get close to someone emotionally, yet I can have sex on the first date. I am on my last day of this journey. I have examined my heart and realized that I was substituting sex for love. I feel that for some reason that I am undeserving of love. This is something I will have to continue to work on throughout my life until I find someone who can break through this wall that I have around my heart.
This whole thing started with two very different boys. The first boy, The Bad Boy, is the one that I gave my virginity to. The second one, The First Love, is simply that, my first love and also the one that makes me feel so undeserving.
It started in eighth grade, I looked up from playing my clarinet at the football game to see the boy that my friend pointed out to me. He was her boyfriend's younger brother. I looked at him and knew he would be something special to me. I felll in love right there. I was only 13, but I could just feel this rush in my heart. It took about a year before The First Love and I actually got together. We had a rough start. We dated for a few months, but then his friends didn't really like me and he said that I tried to hard, so we broke up.
After The First Love and I broke up I was a mess. I started hanging out with one friend quite a bit and doing pretty much everything I could to get away from the sadness in my heart. I thought I found a cure to that when I began hanging around The Bad Boy. He made my head race. I was consumed with something, but it wasn't love. I was young and believed him when he told me he loved me. The First Love had had a hard time admitting to me how he felt, so it felt good when The Bad Boy actually confessed it even if it was a lie just to get me to sleep with him. I didn't see this coming, but we ended up having sex (my first time). I wasn't even in love, but I thought I had to do it.
Later that year in the summer The First Love and I started going on fourwheeler rides all the time, we had found our way back to each other, but our summer slowly faded away and my mother moved us out-of-state. Over the years we have talked a little while, but we never got back together. I think he never could get past that I had lost my virginity to someone else. My heart just wouldn't let him go. Finally about a year and a half ago, I realized we would never be.
My heart has been healing, but I think I am headed on the right path. This blog was way more serious than most of them will be, but I wanted to let everyone know where my heart is at right now. I need your feedback and positive comments!
For as long as I have been dating, I always have had an issue with the beginning of the relationship. I don't really have that sixth sense about how to pace things in a relationship. I tend to want to jump right in and get things started. This usually ends very badly for me because by jumping right in...I mean having sex right away. I guess I have always thought that that is what guys want, so I give it to them. It makes everyone happy at the time. Then the aftermath is what is hard to deal with.
As mentioned in my last blog, I have been working on the dating portion of my life. I made a promise to God that I would not date for 40 days to really concentrate on why it is impossible for me to let myself get close to someone emotionally, yet I can have sex on the first date. I am on my last day of this journey. I have examined my heart and realized that I was substituting sex for love. I feel that for some reason that I am undeserving of love. This is something I will have to continue to work on throughout my life until I find someone who can break through this wall that I have around my heart.
This whole thing started with two very different boys. The first boy, The Bad Boy, is the one that I gave my virginity to. The second one, The First Love, is simply that, my first love and also the one that makes me feel so undeserving.
It started in eighth grade, I looked up from playing my clarinet at the football game to see the boy that my friend pointed out to me. He was her boyfriend's younger brother. I looked at him and knew he would be something special to me. I felll in love right there. I was only 13, but I could just feel this rush in my heart. It took about a year before The First Love and I actually got together. We had a rough start. We dated for a few months, but then his friends didn't really like me and he said that I tried to hard, so we broke up.
After The First Love and I broke up I was a mess. I started hanging out with one friend quite a bit and doing pretty much everything I could to get away from the sadness in my heart. I thought I found a cure to that when I began hanging around The Bad Boy. He made my head race. I was consumed with something, but it wasn't love. I was young and believed him when he told me he loved me. The First Love had had a hard time admitting to me how he felt, so it felt good when The Bad Boy actually confessed it even if it was a lie just to get me to sleep with him. I didn't see this coming, but we ended up having sex (my first time). I wasn't even in love, but I thought I had to do it.
Later that year in the summer The First Love and I started going on fourwheeler rides all the time, we had found our way back to each other, but our summer slowly faded away and my mother moved us out-of-state. Over the years we have talked a little while, but we never got back together. I think he never could get past that I had lost my virginity to someone else. My heart just wouldn't let him go. Finally about a year and a half ago, I realized we would never be.
My heart has been healing, but I think I am headed on the right path. This blog was way more serious than most of them will be, but I wanted to let everyone know where my heart is at right now. I need your feedback and positive comments!
Dead End: Not Ready for a Relationship
I have been told recently that I should start a blog about my relationships to get feedback from others and to provide advice to anyone else who may need it. This is my first attempt at writing a blog about relationships. I like to think that maybe I am like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City or Phoebe from Charmed writing an article that will speak to women experiencing the same thing. Although I have never really been in a relationship I have witnessed many from my friends and family. It is easy to be objective when you are not involved in the situation. When it comes to my love life, I can't seem to take my own advice. I don't think this hinders me at all though. Ya'll get to learn from my mistakes.
The first topic I would like to consider involves the transitional phase where you meet this great guy and you hear the famous line, "I don't really want a relationship right now." I have two interpretations of this line. It either means, " I want a relationship, just not with you," or "Let's just have sex to boost my ego." Is it ever really possible to move forward after those words?
I have experienced this recently with two different guys. For privacy reasons, I am choosing not to disclose the names of the guys I mention, but rather give them nicknames so they can remain anonymous.
Let's call the first one, The Fisherman. Anyways I met The Fisherman through work (for anyone who doesn't know I work at a convenience store). First off I was interested in his friend and ended up going on a date with his friend to a football game...not a good idea, too much yelling not enough time hanging out with each other. Well, needless to say his friend and I didn't really have any chemistry and we gradually stopped talking. Then I started talking to The Fisherman on Facebook. He starts talking about how he wants to get "affection" from someone very soon, but his heart belongs to another girl, so he can't really date anyone else. Hence, the line, " I don't want a relationship right now (but I'll take sex to boost my ego)." Anyways, probably bad move on my part, but I was feeling lonely and gave in. (Can't I have sex to boost my ego as well?) Now for the second guy.
Let's call the second guy, The Enlightened One. The Enlightened One and I met while I was working as well. He actually works for the same company, but not the same store. He was a cute and funny guy. He worked at my store one night on my shift and we talked for hours. I added him to Facebook and we talked on there as well. We even went out to eat and went bowling together. However, he made it clear it wasn't a date. We continued to talk and text each other, but nothing ever happened. He was experiencing this kind of enlightenment about his life and changed his major so he could become more involved in church. He inspired me, so I started this Bible study where I remain single for 40 days, no dating or anything (I will discuss this on my next blog). He was behind me 100%. I am nearing the end of this study and I thought I would gauge his feelings for me, so I began talking to him anonymously through the Honesty Box application on Facebook. Although it was anonymous I was sure he knew it was me. I told him that I had liked him since the first day we talked and his reply was, "I don't want a relationship right now." What does this mean? My interpretation as mentioned above is that he just doesn't want one with me. Obviously, it's not the second interpretation. I haven't really talked to him since. I figured that I shouldn't waste anymore time on him.
Basically, it is never a good thing to hear those words. Obviously, he is damaged in some way from a previous relationship or working out issues that you probably don't want to be a part of. Needless to say, this happens with almost every guy I meet. Buckets of issues. For once I would like to find someone who is just as eager to be with me as I am with them. Then I guess I will know when I have found the One.
I am sorry if this was too long, but I wanted everyone to get a feel of the kinds of things I will talking about. There is more to come, so I hope everyone reads these blogs. I want to answer any questions and hear your feedback. Feel free to comment!
The first topic I would like to consider involves the transitional phase where you meet this great guy and you hear the famous line, "I don't really want a relationship right now." I have two interpretations of this line. It either means, " I want a relationship, just not with you," or "Let's just have sex to boost my ego." Is it ever really possible to move forward after those words?
I have experienced this recently with two different guys. For privacy reasons, I am choosing not to disclose the names of the guys I mention, but rather give them nicknames so they can remain anonymous.
Let's call the first one, The Fisherman. Anyways I met The Fisherman through work (for anyone who doesn't know I work at a convenience store). First off I was interested in his friend and ended up going on a date with his friend to a football game...not a good idea, too much yelling not enough time hanging out with each other. Well, needless to say his friend and I didn't really have any chemistry and we gradually stopped talking. Then I started talking to The Fisherman on Facebook. He starts talking about how he wants to get "affection" from someone very soon, but his heart belongs to another girl, so he can't really date anyone else. Hence, the line, " I don't want a relationship right now (but I'll take sex to boost my ego)." Anyways, probably bad move on my part, but I was feeling lonely and gave in. (Can't I have sex to boost my ego as well?) Now for the second guy.
Let's call the second guy, The Enlightened One. The Enlightened One and I met while I was working as well. He actually works for the same company, but not the same store. He was a cute and funny guy. He worked at my store one night on my shift and we talked for hours. I added him to Facebook and we talked on there as well. We even went out to eat and went bowling together. However, he made it clear it wasn't a date. We continued to talk and text each other, but nothing ever happened. He was experiencing this kind of enlightenment about his life and changed his major so he could become more involved in church. He inspired me, so I started this Bible study where I remain single for 40 days, no dating or anything (I will discuss this on my next blog). He was behind me 100%. I am nearing the end of this study and I thought I would gauge his feelings for me, so I began talking to him anonymously through the Honesty Box application on Facebook. Although it was anonymous I was sure he knew it was me. I told him that I had liked him since the first day we talked and his reply was, "I don't want a relationship right now." What does this mean? My interpretation as mentioned above is that he just doesn't want one with me. Obviously, it's not the second interpretation. I haven't really talked to him since. I figured that I shouldn't waste anymore time on him.
Basically, it is never a good thing to hear those words. Obviously, he is damaged in some way from a previous relationship or working out issues that you probably don't want to be a part of. Needless to say, this happens with almost every guy I meet. Buckets of issues. For once I would like to find someone who is just as eager to be with me as I am with them. Then I guess I will know when I have found the One.
I am sorry if this was too long, but I wanted everyone to get a feel of the kinds of things I will talking about. There is more to come, so I hope everyone reads these blogs. I want to answer any questions and hear your feedback. Feel free to comment!
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