My Confession

I am writing this tonight because I don't know what else to do. I am trying to keep myself from analyzing every little thing. I have been hiding feelings for someone for nearly five months now. I keep telling myself that I can handle just being "friends." Yesterday I told him in an online message the way that I felt. I haven't heard a response from him. The situation is rather complicated.

First of all, we met after I went on a date with his friend. I liked his friend first, but after that didn't work out. I began to notice him. One night he invited me over and things led to one another and we had sex. About a month and a half later we had sex again. He has a reputation for being a player so I told myself that is all that it could be. He had just gotten out of a serious relationship and wasn't looking for anything else, so I thought it would be completely ridiculous to tell him that I liked him then.

About a month after we had sex the last time (about 3 months ago), he started dating a girl who is now his girlfriend. Now I really couldn't tell him. I have tried to block these feelings and bury them. Hoping they would go away, but they haven't.

Yesterday he came into the store. I hadn't really seen him in a few weeks. I couldn't even look at him. I tried to ignore him, but just that first glimpse before he walked in the store had my heart pounding. The other cashier who waited on him told me that he was staring at me the whole time. After talking to a friend, I decided the only way I could move past this was to tell him the truth. I wrote a message and sent it. I am not sure if he has even read it.

Earlier today he came in and laid his arms on the counter and gestured for me to put my hands in his. He told me he hadn't seen me around and wondered how I was doing. He has done this before. It is really sweet, but I don't think that he means it romantically. He mentioned that his girlfriend liked my hair. For some reason, she never comes into the store. I don't know why, but he always comes in alone.

I thought for sure he didn't read it, but in a way maybe he was trying to tell me that it is okay that I have those feelings, but he is in a relationship right now, so it is not the best time. I really have no idea. I wish he would just tell me that he felt the same and that the reason he didn't say anything was because he didn't want to push me into anything. The reason I say this is because I have outright lied to him and told him that I only thought of him as a friend. This is just a daydream though. I don't think it will be the outcome. I think I simply gave it up too early and confessed too late.