My Confession

I am writing this tonight because I don't know what else to do. I am trying to keep myself from analyzing every little thing. I have been hiding feelings for someone for nearly five months now. I keep telling myself that I can handle just being "friends." Yesterday I told him in an online message the way that I felt. I haven't heard a response from him. The situation is rather complicated.

First of all, we met after I went on a date with his friend. I liked his friend first, but after that didn't work out. I began to notice him. One night he invited me over and things led to one another and we had sex. About a month and a half later we had sex again. He has a reputation for being a player so I told myself that is all that it could be. He had just gotten out of a serious relationship and wasn't looking for anything else, so I thought it would be completely ridiculous to tell him that I liked him then.

About a month after we had sex the last time (about 3 months ago), he started dating a girl who is now his girlfriend. Now I really couldn't tell him. I have tried to block these feelings and bury them. Hoping they would go away, but they haven't.

Yesterday he came into the store. I hadn't really seen him in a few weeks. I couldn't even look at him. I tried to ignore him, but just that first glimpse before he walked in the store had my heart pounding. The other cashier who waited on him told me that he was staring at me the whole time. After talking to a friend, I decided the only way I could move past this was to tell him the truth. I wrote a message and sent it. I am not sure if he has even read it.

Earlier today he came in and laid his arms on the counter and gestured for me to put my hands in his. He told me he hadn't seen me around and wondered how I was doing. He has done this before. It is really sweet, but I don't think that he means it romantically. He mentioned that his girlfriend liked my hair. For some reason, she never comes into the store. I don't know why, but he always comes in alone.

I thought for sure he didn't read it, but in a way maybe he was trying to tell me that it is okay that I have those feelings, but he is in a relationship right now, so it is not the best time. I really have no idea. I wish he would just tell me that he felt the same and that the reason he didn't say anything was because he didn't want to push me into anything. The reason I say this is because I have outright lied to him and told him that I only thought of him as a friend. This is just a daydream though. I don't think it will be the outcome. I think I simply gave it up too early and confessed too late.

The Rest is Trust

A good marriage is at least 80 percent good luck in finding the right person at the right time. The rest is trust. -Nanette Newman

I have been wondering recently about a topic that I feel needs to be addressed. I have a coworker and other people that I have had conversations with that feel the need to ask their boyfriends or spouses for permission before doing something. I think this is completely ridiculous. There is a way to let your significant other know what you doing and ask his opinion without letting his answer dictate your life. Tonight I want to talk about two girls who are on opposing sides of this topic, The Coworker and The Best Friend.

The Coworker is a girl who is very strong-willed and fights with her husband constantly. They are always in disagreement about something. One time she was so upset because he told her that he hoped she wrecked on her way to work. I think they have a very intense love/hate relationship. She stays home during the day with their one year old son while he works during the day. Well, when he gets off at night he wants to go hang out with his friends and leave the kid with a sitter. She gets upset, which she has every right to be, because she has to work at night after having been with the kid all day. However, if she were to go somewhere during the day to visit a friend he would be very mad. He says her friends are bad and that if she hangs out with them then he will do something to stop it. Thus, she does exactly what he says. Now they are trying to have another kid because they think it will bring them closer. Women have come so far to be brought down to this level.

Then on the other level is The Best Friend. She is my best friend. Her husband and her disagree on some things, but they have reached a level of understanding with each other that allows them to talk things out and communicate each others wants and needs. This is the stuff marriages are made of. When she wants to do something or hang out with friends, she lets him know that she is doing it and asks what he thinks. She considers his opinion, but, ultimately makes her own decision. They have learned this through their early stages of marriage by focusing on each other. This is hard to do when you have children right away. I feel that when they do have children. Their children will see what love is supposed to be.

There are many similarities and differences between these two girls. They are both strong-willed girls, but The Best Friend translates her will into love, whereas The Coworker only clashes with her husband through fighting. The main difference in these two marriages is trust. It is obvious that if you have trust, there is no need to ask permission.